As much as it shocks me to realize it, sometimes as I cup my hand consolingly under someone’s elbow, I hear myself say, “I’m a priest.” And then I tell them something or other that they probably already know.
So here are some priestly items for now:
1. Never ask your husband if he remembered to feed the dog. He doesn’t like to be reminded that he always forgets to feed the dog. Just feed the dog no matter what.
2. Never ask your husband to pick up the dog poop, since you yourself are most likely responsible for it in the end analysis (See point 1). And face it, your husband doesn’t like to be reminded of that either.
3. Never buy underwear in the 75 percent off, free shipping, extra 20 percent off one-day-only sale at Victoria’s Secret online because underwear that costs .17 cents a pair looks like it costs even less. Just wear the old underwear for the sake of the economic crisis.
4. Plus, this saves you the embarrassment of having to go up to a larger size when you buy new underwear because of the unconscionable fact that they only come in three sizes. Well four, but on my mother’s side of the family we don’t consider S a size for adults.
5. Then you can tell yourself that you are still the same size as Jessica Simpson will soon be.
6. Never compare yourself to someone who probably doesn’t even wear underwear on a fairly consistent basis.
7. Never believe the words “self-cleaning oven.”
8. Never blow your nose.
9. Hey, I’m not a doctor; I’m just a priest.
10. Silence is the ultimate kindness.
silence is complicated. I’m going to listen to you and think of it as kindness from now on.
Comment by Lisa — February 11, 2009 @ 12:53 pm
All good points!
Comment by Cat — February 11, 2009 @ 2:30 pm
Can I suggest an 8 1/2? Try a Neti Pot.
And I can’t be silent Karen because I love your list. Love it!
Comment by Shalet — February 11, 2009 @ 5:08 pm
The most amazing part – besides the fact that I am wearing my mother’s underwear – is that you are my rabbi, too!
Comment by jena strong — February 11, 2009 @ 6:05 pm
I would love to deliver the line “I’m a priest.” Just once, just to see the reaction.
For now, I guess I’ll settle for no longer comparing myself to anyone who doesn’t consistently wear underwear.
One must start somewhere, right?
Comment by Mama Zen — February 11, 2009 @ 8:13 pm
Never ask your husband can be used on a wide assortment of every day things. Great reminders hon. I’m not a priest or a doctor, I’m just a wife *winks*. That in itself should carry it’s own degree. (Hugs)Indigo
Comment by Indigo — February 11, 2009 @ 8:59 pm
i’m with ya on the underwear thing, but have not learned my lesson on the dog poop thing.
Comment by Bridge — February 11, 2009 @ 11:24 pm
me and my size 7-8 white, frayed, elastic-bearing hanes her way underwear thank you.
Comment by Holly — February 12, 2009 @ 1:06 am
Lisa, the silence that is complicated is not silence, as you know.
Indigo, I love your comments. Being a wife does come with a degree. It’s called the Nth Degree.
Mama Zen, I can assure you the reaction is not worth it.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 12, 2009 @ 1:26 am
p.s. I just realized that Pearl, who insists on going “commando,” is ahead of the curve. (Can you tell I have been thinking about underwear all day now? And I forgot to feed the dog.)
Comment by jena strong — February 12, 2009 @ 2:56 am
Karen,
I really enjoy the way that your mind works!
Hugs,
Debbie
Comment by Debra W — February 12, 2009 @ 5:35 am
I agree with your mom on #4. Exactly right. Could have saved myself all kinds of cold water, shame and abuse, if I’d known that when I grew out of a S and into a M and later the more forgiving L.
Comment by Anonymous — February 12, 2009 @ 7:18 am
i just love you.
but, you already knew that, didn’t you.
Comment by jessamyn — February 12, 2009 @ 10:21 pm
Would it be too much to ask you to do a post of “never ask your husband” and “never believe”? I think you would get us laughing and crying and thinking about a whole lot of great stuff. Just a thought…
In any case, thanks for this post. A lot to think about – and laugh at.
Comment by GailNHB — February 13, 2009 @ 12:29 am
I am learning about the silence of which you speak. Sometimes I ask myself if what I am about to say is true and useful. If it not both, I keep my mouth shut.
Comment by kathryn — February 13, 2009 @ 4:48 am
oh of silence. this is so hard for some of us. this year ive been curing myself of ‘gottaletemknow’ syndrome. its a process. hard. long. but true. i am realizing they already know, and i am no one to tell anyone what they already know. im learning.
Comment by latisha — February 13, 2009 @ 6:53 am
The underwear gave me a good laugh — thanks!
Comment by Judy Merrill-Smith — February 13, 2009 @ 7:33 pm
This made me laugh. Thanks.
Comment by Shelli — February 15, 2009 @ 9:33 pm
This list provided me with a much needed laugh. Especially about not believing S a size for adults!
I wish I had read your nose blowing link before we all came down with the flu this week. Interesting how the only person in the house not blowing her nose became well the fastest.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Comment by Nikole — February 22, 2009 @ 3:28 pm