There are a few things I need to fill you in on.
First, I am not free from fear. I am terrified.
Second, I am not free from anger. I am furious.
And third, I am not free from greed. No, I am furious and terrified that I will never see a penny from Social Security even though at age 68 I have applied. There’s a slowdown over there. A slowdown and a cutback and a massacre. The thing is, for the first time in my life I could really use the help. I’m scared that I will never benefit from Medicare even though I finally need it. Scared that my savings will evaporate in an economic collapse, and that my country won’t survive another month or the world another year, and scared about that, and that, and that.
Fear leads to hate, so naturally and unavoidably I hate Donald Trump. I hate Elon Musk. I hate every Republican who ever voted for Donald and certainly those who are silently watching, or not watching, or stupidly cheering what’s going on right now. I’m sorry if that includes you, but you should be sorry too. I’m tempted to blame all those people for my fear and anger, but the truth is, those feelings are mine. The worry, terror, sadness, and anger: those are all mine. I have stockpiles of them sitting around my house now. Hardly room for anything else.
A while ago when this was all becoming apparent, I began to wonder how much rot Trump, Musk, Vance and their minions carry around inside of themselves. What soulless void makes them despise and destroy people and things for no reason except their own enjoyment? To get their own autocratic kicks? What care and respect were denied them so that they, in turn, have no moral center or self-respect? What kind of love did they want and never get? What kind of lack ensured that they would never be half-decent, honest, fair-minded, or whole? And why are they so wantonly, grievously unsatisfied?
In a way, I already know, and I know why they won’t stop. Because power magnifies fear. Wealth accelerates greed. Nothing they have, nothing they do, and nothing they get will ever be enough to fill the bottomless breach in their very being. They are broken, and so they are breaking everyone and everything else.
The other day I was talking to someone I don’t know very well but am friendly with. She’s older than me, and ill. She looked tired and I asked if she was sleeping at night. She said yes, and asked the same of me. I said no. Why not, she asked. Because I am terrified. You, terrified? Of course I am.
So many people are being hurt. So many lives are being destroyed, I can hardly bear it. But I could tell she didn’t get it. Why would someone like me, someone like her, care?
We live on different planets.
You’re very compassionate, she said, finally. Perhaps it was a way to gloss over our differences.
Not compassionate enough, I thought. Not nearly enough. But it’s a start, and it’s all I have to work with right now.
I am angry, so very angry. I am sorry, so very sorry. I weep for you and for all of us whose pain unites us. I am reaching out to you, reaching out to you until the end. Hold my hand.
***
If it sounds like I need to meditate, I do. If you do too, look here, where there’s space for you.
Dear Maezen,
Thank you for putting into words my constant thoughts. Thank you for offering to be with us to the end. Thank you for holding out your hand. My hand is in yours.
Comment by Leslie Henry — March 9, 2025 @ 1:41 pm
Where two people practice together, there is sangha.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — March 9, 2025 @ 2:29 pm
Thank you, dear Maezen … from the very depths of my Canadian heart.
From all of our anxious, wounded & terrified hearts.
Comment by Mona — March 9, 2025 @ 6:37 pm
I’ve thought of you so often, Maezen, and then this post arrived like a response to my own heart’s private pangs and deepest fears. I, too, marvel at the sleepers, the celebrators, the nonchalant many who choose not to feel or know or rage. And also, every day, I remind myself that I, too, must choose — to see beauty and to be kind and to feel gratitude for what is good and for those who stand up to evil. Walking this line between grace and grief is exhausting. I never thought I could feel such hatred, and yet here I am. I never thought our institutions and most sacred values would crumble so quickly, and yet down they go. I never thought our country would disavow science, literature, the arts, human rights, justice, freedom, decency, nature, basic decency, and yet this is who we’ve become. There is some comfort in holding hands in this shattered place. Thank you for writing and for holding out your hand to the rest of us.
Comment by Katrina Lewers — March 10, 2025 @ 6:17 am
You are a beacon, Katrina, by being you. Sometimes I think, no matter how dark, the world is made more wonderful just by realizing the good and noble people who are here with me.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — March 10, 2025 @ 9:01 am
I love you. And I am reaching back or alongside or ahead. Connecting is crucial. My god, thank you for these words.
Comment by Bonnie Rae — March 10, 2025 @ 9:40 am
I am here with you. I am holding your hand. I too am scared and furious, right by your side.
You are not alone.
Comment by Linda — March 10, 2025 @ 11:40 am
Oh dearest Maezen Roshi. I weep with you and walk with you and hold your hand forever. Thank you thank you thank you.
Comment by Kaigen — March 10, 2025 @ 11:40 am
Love, I’m right here with you. My only consolation is to fix my gaze on the very present. Again and again and again. This moment, this second. Because it’s all I really have. Sending you buckets of precious ‘now’s’. XO
Comment by Eva Brune — March 13, 2025 @ 9:29 am
Thank you, dear one, thank you. 🙏🏼 You have given me permission through the expression of your raw and honest thoughts and emotions, to harbor the same feelings without guilt. I’ve been trying to stoically let go of the negative that has been burning holes in my heart, keeping me up at night, spiking my blood pressure; but because I’ve had such a difficult time in doing so, and then trying to be phony holy by convincing myself “he” is just a temporary illusion, I’ve been battling these conflicting emotions and keep them bottled inside.
Your words, believe it or not (strike that, I know you believe it), are a salve. I needed to read this from no one else by you, by a teacher I deeply respect, admire, and try to emulate through my own actions.
We will go on, but it is so comforting to know we will go forward, and through, together.
Comment by Kert — March 14, 2025 @ 1:53 pm
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. In solidarity we will rise. I know this.
Comment by Martha Chabinsky — March 14, 2025 @ 2:10 pm
I practice the first 3 steps of AA and have the Serenity Prayer in my head on auto replay. Not a solution to the situation we are in but it enables me to feel compassion for all the living beings at this time, even those whose behaviors are reprehensible. If anything I believe they are suffering indescribable levels of fear, greed, envy and darkness of heart and thus deserve my compassion. I find peace of body, mind and spirit with these 2 simple practices.
Comment by joan — March 14, 2025 @ 2:14 pm
Well said and my sentiments exactly. Thank you!
Comment by laura stuart — March 14, 2025 @ 2:19 pm
Thank you. I feel so much the same. I was listening to Marianne Williamson and heard her say that we must stay alert and respond to what we are called to do to express our values strongly or softly or however is our way in times of crisis…to be our best as we strongly disagree with what is going on. It inspired me to open a dialogue with my cousin and am sending her information that I am hearing and reading and have asked her to send me info she is getting. Before I had given up of being able to even talk with people who support the current administration. Your piece is helping me to feel more accepting of where I am spiritually. I will keep trying to see beyond these frightening actions. We need a miracle- a shift from our ego thinking to our ability to live in acceptance of the other while not accepting the behaviors. I hope all goes through in your social security situation. I depend on it in my life. I am also sending grown grandsons information from Bernie Sanders and Heather Cox Richardson! Maybe we can all share whatever steps we are taking to stand up and express our values strongly!?
Comment by Lana J Wertz — March 14, 2025 @ 2:22 pm
The Course in Miracles says it can be summarised in one sentence: “Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists, herein lies the peace of God.”
A friend of mine has a brother who I met a while ago and who I really like, he has lived in the US for 30 years and has voted for Trump. I choose to forgive him. (But then (until now) I am not as affected by his vote as Karen is.)
Comment by Simone — March 15, 2025 @ 1:06 am
Yes! Millions will be affected. ❤️ we really need to be alert to any and all ways we can express and live our values during this time!❤️
Comment by Lana J Wertz — March 15, 2025 @ 9:30 am
Yes, and pity the Canadians, Mexicans, Panamanians, Ukranians, all of Europe and the UK, Central Americans, South Americans, the fraught Middle East, Africans, Australians, the Japanese, Taiwanese, all innocents fleeing violence, poverty, terrorism and tyranny, our mother the Earth, and all denizens within this one man’s kill zone. No one will go unaffected.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — March 15, 2025 @ 6:01 pm
Is this it what it takes to wake us up? Yes. So much suffering.
Comment by Lana J Wertz — March 15, 2025 @ 7:10 pm
O Karen, that really sucks.
I am so sorry.
Because I live in Europe, for me the concern is more on the peace processes in Israel and Ukraine. Which are very worrying, but not to the degree that I lose sleep over it. Who knew that one man could dismantle the whole world order (and the US) based on a hissy fit/ brain fart? (Not that the world was perfect before, but hey.)
Comment by Simone — March 14, 2025 @ 3:04 pm
I reach out my hand to you know in the ethers? Keep writing, make art, and love.
Comment by Nedi — March 14, 2025 @ 4:38 pm
Thank you for sharing. My thoughts: I am appalled by Trump in all regards. I spent over 30 years in government service and never encountered anyone as ignorant or uncaring as he is. The BETRAYAL of his constitutional duties is a travesty to all. God bless you. Philo
Comment by Phil Odom — March 14, 2025 @ 6:54 pm
Thank you, Karen. We’re in the wilderness now, so much looks unrecognizable. I’m in NYC with my youngest visiting colleges—torn between guilt that we aren’t screaming every minute and guilt that I may not be able to protect my sons from the world that is taking shape.
In my better moments, I think of teachers like you and know the best I can do for my sons is stay the course and continue to try to offer compassion to my neighbors, and myself, and maybe, when I can, even to these very sad men leading our country.
Comment by Deirdre O'Malley Keating — March 14, 2025 @ 8:14 pm
With deepest respect-I am sorry for your suffering and hope you will bow to, and let go of your anger.
May you feel happy.
May you feel peaceful.
May you feel safe and protected.
May you be free from mental and physical suffering.
May you live your life with ease and joy.
Comment by Rosemary Nelson — March 15, 2025 @ 5:23 am
I am so deeply touched by your vulnerable, honest disclosure, Maezen. And I am deeply sorry for how this is personally affecting you, being the messenger for thousands.
I live in Canada. My family lives on the border to the US. I am terrified every time I hear 47 say “annex” knowing he’s reading from the Putin playbook for Ukraine. These men are evil. Broken, but evil. For that the rage and hatred. I pray for karma, fast. I pray for us all. And I weep.
Comment by Katharine — March 15, 2025 @ 3:01 pm
As always, your words are touching and, in this instant, could be every bit my own. Thank you for showing all of us that it is ok to feel this way. I wake up every single morning dreading what happened as I slept. It’s always hard for me to see such evil in people, and even harder to understand it. Thank you for being here!
Comment by Darasue A Lyons — March 17, 2025 @ 8:28 am
It is helping me greatly to follow Marianne Williamson’s talks about the state of the country right now!
Comment by Lana J Wertz — March 17, 2025 @ 8:54 am
A poem inspired by Chenrezig that helped me … May it be for you also 🙏🏽 So Many Arms
Inspired by what can be done with Great Compassion and 1000 arms, Venerable Rinchen composed the following poem. May it inspire you to bring the energy of compassion into your day, and into the world.
With 1000 arms, Chenrezig can:
Be your sous chef and chop many vegetables
—especially when you are cooking for a big retreat.
Hold umbrellas to keep crowds dry in the rain.
Shave the heads of those who wish to ordain.
Drive home those who are drunk.
Catch those who are klutzy.
Hold back those who are blinded by anger
—and about to commit grave negativity.
Teach children to count to very large numbers.
Open difficult jars for those in a pickle.
Shovel the whole road to remove all the snow.
Return baby birds to nests when they’ve fallen below.
Give those fearful of crowds
—the experience of crowd surfing.
Give a thumbs up when one needs assurance.
Strongly nudge those who need more courage.
Demonstrate vector mathematics,
—even changeing bases and cross products.
Wake you ever-so-gently so you won’t be late.
Give a high five to those with reason to celebrate.
Carry anyone across a river who needs a bridge.
Sign for those who are deaf and
guide those who are blind.
Tuck each person in and turn off the light.
Move turtles off the road and out of harms way.
Give a thumbs down when someone’s boss or professor makes a biased joke that everyone else laughs at
—so that they know they aren’t alone.
Pet all of the stray cats and dogs waiting for a home.
Inject vaccines in the children who need not get sick.
Apply balm to weary bodies sore from hard work.
Keep space between protesters and those who counter-protest.
Hold and rock crying babies so caretakers can rest.
Hug those who’ve lost loved ones.
Grab migrants off a sinking boat
—and swim them to a better land.
Free those who are enslaved or unjustly imprisoned.
Hand food to those who are starving.
Cast back starfish, whales, dolphins,
—and any other creatures stuck on the beaches.
Pick up all the guns and break them to pieces.
Remove rubble from buildings destroyed by bombs,
—hurricanes, and earthquakes.
Dress the wounds of people covered in blood.
Grab hold of and rescue those caught in a flood.
Build a good house for those without home.
Carry buckets filled with water
—for those whose local well has gone dry.
Reach up and pluck incoming missiles from the sky.
Point the way for those who are lost.
Carry those too tired to continue their journey.
Piece together those who feel broken.
Hold the hands of those who are alone and forgotten.
From the big to the small,
he has hands for them all.
We can do this good too,
So lets attain Buddhahood soon.
Comment by Jane Bergquist — March 21, 2025 @ 10:52 am
Of which I speak: https://karenmaezenmiller.com/15-ways-to-practice-compassion-today/
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — March 21, 2025 @ 11:00 am
This resonated so much with me. I am a couple years younger than you and feel the same fears about my social security money – benefits I anticipated for the years to come, that I’ve saved for years of my working life – gone with a poof because of these soulless wannabe dictators. It’s so awful. And it’s all too much. I saw a meme the other day, a comment on social media by a person named Tim Grierson:
“Being angry all the time is exhausting and corrosive. Not being angry feels morally irresponsible.”
And here we are, exhausted, with a long way to go yet. I won’t give up and I will continue to work to find grace amidst the anger and fear. Thank you for your post.
Comment by Maureen Finn — March 28, 2025 @ 2:15 pm