As much as it shocks me to realize it, sometimes as I cup my hand consolingly under someone’s elbow, I hear myself say, “I’m a priest.” And then I tell them something or other that they probably already know.
So here are some priestly items for now:
1. Never ask your husband if he remembered to feed the dog. He doesn’t like to be reminded that he always forgets to feed the dog. Just feed the dog no matter what.
2. Never ask your husband to pick up the dog poop, since you yourself are most likely responsible for it in the end analysis (See point 1). And face it, your husband doesn’t like to be reminded of that either.
3. Never buy underwear in the 75 percent off, free shipping, extra 20 percent off one-day-only sale at Victoria’s Secret online because underwear that costs .17 cents a pair looks like it costs even less. Just wear the old underwear for the sake of the economic crisis.
4. Plus, this saves you the embarrassment of having to go up to a larger size when you buy new underwear because of the unconscionable fact that they only come in three sizes. Well four, but on my mother’s side of the family we don’t consider S a size for adults.
5. Then you can tell yourself that you are still the same size as Jessica Simpson will soon be.
6. Never compare yourself to someone who probably doesn’t even wear underwear on a fairly consistent basis.
7. Never believe the words “self-cleaning oven.”
8. Never blow your nose.
9. Hey, I’m not a doctor; I’m just a priest.
10. Silence is the ultimate kindness.