Every bit love

September 15th, 2009

The other night I stepped into the living room to deliver the announcement: Timetobrushyourteethwashyourfaceitsbedtime! My husband and daughter were watching an ancient baby video, one of the ones we haven’t watched in, oh, nine years or so, a dozen obsolete formats ago.

We were starstruck.

She was not yet two. We watched her waddle in circles around the lemon tree, and then repeat a circuit around the yard, climbing the steps over and over, little feet sailing, arms flailing, head tucked and hell-bent on a mission called growing up.

She stood in sunken, soggy diapers twirling her goldilocks curls and rubbing her bedtime eyes.

She danced in a loopy bounce to grandpa’s ragtime piano, bathed in a spotlight of self-immersion and propulsion.

She emptied her first Halloween bag piece by piece, cooing a drooling baby talk of approval, chirping a drunken birdsong of eees and opps and umms that we understood perfectly.

I said to my 10-year-old, “Now do you see why we love you so much?”

Everything seen and unseen. Heard and unheard. Known and unknown. The confusion, the fear, the fatigue, the worry, the doubt. The rage, the gulf, the hurt, the tears, lonely sleepless anxious terribleness, all of it, the ugly underside of it, and the unwrapped rosy red yummy of baby’s first bobbypop. It’s all love.

My sweet lord. Every bit love.

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12 Comments »

  1. It is, every bit.

    Comment by Cat — September 15, 2009 @ 9:33 pm

  2. Good God, I love my little girl! We're right in the heart of the passionate love. She's my third, so I accept the sleeplessness for a few nights, I worry less, but doubt twice as much. So much determination and such a sense that she knows where she's going. I just want to tag along behind her beautiful self forever.

    Comment by Mrs. B. Roth — September 15, 2009 @ 10:27 pm

  3. cherished moments…

    Comment by *Lesli* — September 15, 2009 @ 10:29 pm

  4. Today after work, I sorted through Goodwill bags with my 19 year old – we came across old games and trinkets, then we ate guacamole that we made together, while watching I Love Lucy, laughing at scenes we've watched together 100 times. It seems the beauty never ends.

    (I've been teaching a Saturday class)

    Comment by DQ's Windmill — September 15, 2009 @ 11:06 pm

  5. oh yes. every bit indeed.

    Comment by Wendy — September 15, 2009 @ 11:07 pm

  6. Cat, I know you know this, but you made me write this post.

    Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — September 15, 2009 @ 11:11 pm

  7. And Brandy, you will certainly be behind her forever. In fact, how in the world did we ever think we were in front?

    Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — September 15, 2009 @ 11:12 pm

  8. Every word and moment speaks to a mother's heart, doesn't it?

    I just blinked and Dylan went from two to ten. I think it happened that fast…

    Love bobbypop! Hadn't heard that one before!! :)

    Comment by Cam — September 16, 2009 @ 4:00 am

  9. I'm having so much more fun with my girls these days when I just SEE them as they are and assume the best instead of fearing the worst.

    Comment by jena strong — September 17, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

  10. its a real wonder when we have a shared wonder like that. . . thank god for those moments of grace, i say…

    Comment by wifemotherexpletive — September 18, 2009 @ 1:10 am

  11. thank you! as luck (or whatever!) would have it, I happened on this just after a galactic meltdown by my kids this afternoon, and it was exactly what I needed:-)

    Comment by mommymystic — September 18, 2009 @ 9:01 pm

  12. I am a new momma and just savoring every teensy bit of this love. sensory overload and I love it! the smells, the sounds, the view: hard to believe they never existed in this world before 3 months ago.

    Comment by soliluna — September 20, 2009 @ 3:57 pm

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